i never thought i was particularly attached to my last name. “pass” is not one you hear every day. i would often find myself spelling it out [“pass, - p-a-s-s”] or using it in a phrase when saying it over the phone. i love my family dearly, but i did not think of myself as someone with strong family pride as far as our last name. if someone ask me before getting married if i would drop my middle name or maiden name, i would quickly say maiden name. then i got married and started to think about actually changing my last name.
while my now husband and i were engaged and leading up to getting married, i did think at various times, “when did it become a societal norm for the girl to change her name?”. i questioned this not as a rage against patriarchy but out of genuine curiosity. as a believer, i also definitely said, “nowhere is the Bible does it say women have to change their names.” - which is technically true but probably not the most accurate way to think about Scripture. : ) a quick google told me that it all pretty much started with
, and you can go down that rabbit hole to your heart’s content, but essentially that term describes a woman who didn't have a legal standing on her own. since women have gained far more rights and are their own being by law and by nature (as they always have been), the name change is more symbolic. [note: it is still inconvenient and sort of annoying, honestly]. similar to other wedding traditions (like wearing a white dress or having attendants), what began as a way of life at the time has evolved to be widely accepted without the reason that supported it. you know, sort of like how paper money used to be backed by gold and now it’s just its own stand-alone currency? that example will likely crumble under further analogy, but you get it…i hope. : )
even while writing this, i’ve come to realize that the symbolism of sharing a last name is beautiful - it’s a daily reminder of the vows you made before God and your loved ones and the commitment that you made to choosing each other. it is a way to mark that commitment and start your own family unit together.
as i got married and started to think about it more, changing my last name was more of a mental hurdle than i ever anticipated. hyphenating or keeping your maiden name is a great option if that’s your cup of tea, but mine sounded weird together and did not flow (i know no one else would care but i do). perhaps in some ways it felt like a loss of independence, even though i was willingly making the decision to change my last name. and it is nothing against my husband (whom i love very much and am happy to share a last name with). and yet a part of me still felt a bit of loss - a mourning what no longer was.
a name gives identity, and perhaps even contributes to personality in some ways. i am not at all a famous person or someone with a recognizable name, but i had still lived significant portions of my life as fran pass - teenaged, high-schooled, graduated college, and started my professional career. perhaps in some ways those seasons and growth as a person felt tied to the name i had in that time (even though i am still the same person who experienced those things).
[side note: perhaps the entire atmosphere of this blog is a spoiler that i am an intensely nostalgic person…if you didn’t know, surprise!]
anyway, i digress. i also moved far away from the friends and places i knew right after i got married, which i think contributes to this feeling of losing a known part of myself. and you know what? i think it’s okay to mourn that a little bit. it signals the end of a season of life that was full of many highs and lows, but for a newlywed, the past represents a much larger percentage of life lived than this new phase of life. it is possible to be mourning while also rejoicing in the new, exciting season of marriage and a new name - think of all the memories and experiences you will have as this part of your life!
a part of me will always be fran pass. and now, i’ll always be fran turner. but a name is a part of you; it does not define you. it’s not as if i stop being the person i was simply because my name changed.
and maybe i have more “family pride” than i realized? i’m still ruminating on that one.
after seven months of marriage, i feel like i am adjusting more fully to a new name - i even wrote it without thinking the other day! if you have felt this way, know that you’re not alone. it is natural for us to grieve change, even when it is good and beautiful change. not to sound like an influencer, but there is room to hold both with open hands here. as with most things, it takes time to adjust. the id is changed and the social media profiles are updated, but i’m definitely still in the process.
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